Honestly Merlin
by WordsinRain
Summary: Merlin tells Arthur he loves him when he is drunk and now everything he has built with Arthur may fall apart.


**Disclaimer: I do not own BBC Merlin**

**Warning: Yaoi, Slash, Gayness and Homosexuality. **

** Also references to the end of season 2.**

* * *

'I love you,' the words fell out so easily and they probably shouldn't have. They should've taken more effort, strained or even hurt. All Merlin could think of in the ever growing silence was that it was a mistake. It was all a mistake. Because Arthur still didn't know of his magic and he was in love with Gwen and he was his manservant and there were so many things that stopped any of this making sense. Yet he had said it.

Earlier, he was in Arthur's chambers polishing his armour like a good manservant is supposed to when Arthur had hurried in yelling about something or other. Merlin had become accustomed to blocking out the words Arthur used choosing instead to listen to the melodic quality that made his chest squeeze. Even when the Prince yelled at him, there something so wonderfully familiar about the experience, that he couldn't help but smile. So, he ignored whatever Arthur was saying and continued polishing the armour, angling it so he could see Arthur's reflection in the metal. He was handsome and when he smiled Merlin melted and then burned. He would never have him.

'Oi Merlin are you listening?' Arthur asked. He stood in front of Merlin now waving his hand across his face.

'Of Course,' Merlin lied smiling. It wasn't as if he wasn't used to lying, every other sentence he uttered was a lie. Arthur was wearing his usual garb, his red shirt suiting him more than Arthur himself probably knew. It made his eyes warmer, which should've been more illegal than magic.

'No you weren't, you're a rubbish liar,' Arthur scoffed. Of course he was a rubbish liar. Merlin suppressed the chuckle beneath a cough.

'Sorry, what were you saying, sire?' Merlin asked trying hard not to show the sarcasm on his voice but Arthur's frown showed he hadn't hidden it very well at all.

'There is a ball tonight. My father says it is in order to save face against other nations who will have heard of Morgana's disappearance. If they thought the King was distracted they may attack. Also after the depletion of some of the army thanks to the dragon, you get the picture. You will be attending as well,' Arthur added with a smirk.

'Oh no.' Merlin did not want to ever have to wear those official robes again.

'You will be spared the official outfit as no foreign diplomats or court members will be there. It is entirely internal.' Well alright then. That made all the difference. Not. The favourite activity of most of the Knights was to bully any servant who was around. Evidently that would be him tonight. Maybe if Gwen was there he could have someone to talk to, but then something in his stomach hurt at the thought of her being at the ball with Arthur.

'Great, I'll get started on that then,' Merlin replied and Arthur frowned. Then again he was always frowning at Merlin so he just let it go.

Four hours and three goblets of wine later and he was telling Arthur he loved him. He had stumbled; Arthur had caught him and mumbled something about him being an idiot. So what was his first response? He confessed his love.

It was wrong, and he didn't want to hear Arthur's condemnation so he pushed him as he hard as he could. However, Arthur was a Knight and Merlin was a twig so he barely moved the Prince, the shock was all he needed. He broke through his supporting hold and ran.

The wine made the corridors blurry. He couldn't head back to his room not with Gaius there and Arthur probably already heading in the direction to fire him. So he ran into the city. He would go and hide in the dragons cave till he had the balls to fix his mess. Or maybe he would just go sit in the forest, shape shift into a bird or something. Yet he was drunk so the spell would probably go ary and that's all that he needed. So he kept running.

He had only fallen over a few times on the way to the forest which was good considering the world wouldn't stay still. As he got to the fringe of the forest he couldn't find the will anymore so he collapsed. He looked up at the stars through the leaves. They were beautiful but that made his churning stomach feel worse.

The ground was cold and the air nipped at him as he lay there. He could hear the sounds of animals and birds but that was all. A part of him thought that Arthur might understand, not scorn him. That he would come looking for Merlin. Obviously that wasn't the case. He knew he had to do something about what he had done, but he didn't want to move, all he wanted was to lie there till the world fell away.

* * *

Merlin woke to the sounds of birds chirping and a hammer pounding within his skull. His stomach was doing summersaults and he vaguely considered throwing up but then decided against it. He rolled over and a twig caught him in the eye. He swore and his eye started watering. God he hated hangovers. He felt so ill, dying was actually an option. He remembered…not a lot. He knew he had confessed to Arthur and that was the only thing he could seem to remember.

He had to deal with this somehow. He couldn't leave Arthur, he needed to keep alive for his grand destiny. But there was no way Arthur would let him be near him now. So he had to protect from afar he guessed. Maybe he could set up base in that dragons cave. He would have to go back and get his stuff though. Explain to Gaius why he had to go. That was a conversation he was dreading.

Pulling himself up he made his way back, sticking as close to the shadows as he could. It was early in the morning, most people were still asleep. Merlin wished he was amongst them, but it did mean he wasn't likely to be spotted. As he ran up the steps he felt the urge to be sick again but kept up the speed anyway.

'Gaius,' he yelled as he ran into the physician, it sounded more like a wail.

'Merlin where have you been?' Gaius asked in a voice somewhere between relieved and annoyed. He was mixing up some plants in a pestle and mortar occasionally glancing at the book he was reading from. 'Art-'

'I don't have time to talk Gaius, I have to leave,' Merlin said rushing around the main room looking for anything he might need to take with him.

'Why?' Gaius asked. He frowned at Merlin.

'I…erm…told Arthur something I shouldn't have and he will fire me, but you know I have to protect him. So I'm going to hide and use my-'

'Merlin, Art-'

'No, he won't, can't forgive what I've said. At least my magic can work at a distance.'

Gaius's head sank and he swore, at the same time Merlin heard a movement from his bedroom. He turned to look. His heart dropped as Arthur descended the stairs.

'What did you just say?' He asked. His blond hair was ruffled in a mess and he looked more angry then Merlin had ever seen him. Merlin couldn't find any words.

'Magic? You're a warlock?'

'I also said I protect you, can't you focus on that?'

Swear words were invented for situations like these and Merlin wanted to scream all of them at once. This was not how he imagined confessing his magic to Arthur, or his love for that matter.

'You,' Arthur started but couldn't seem to finish. He shook his head. Closing his eyes he started to leave the room. As he passed Merlin he stopped. 'How could you love me when you don't trust me?'

Merlin watched as Arthur left, feeling like someone put the weight of the entire castle in his chest. This was not how any of this was supposed to go. He looked at Gaius who had a singular raised eyebrow in his direction.

'I…Er…It was an accident,' Merlin defended. Gaius continued looking at him in that way and now Merlin was fighting the urge not to cry, which wasn't very manly of him. But then again he was a skinny warlock manservant so there wasn't anything that manly about him to begin with. Maybe he could get away with crying. Deciding he couldn't really take Gaius's stare much longer he made his way to his room.

As he clambered the stairs he noticed his bed sheets were rumpled. Arthur had been there a while; he had been waiting for him. Probably to fire him. Crawling onto the bed he closed his eyes. There was a pressure beneath his skin that was pounding and his heart was squeezing inward. He knew he should get his stuff together and leave before the guards came to arrest him for execution, but he couldn't move.

Everything hurt and it hurt with a strain that blocked all his thoughts from moving passed anything but the pain.

'Oh god, Arthur I'm sorry,' he breathed. He couldn't stop then, the tears came freely and he shook violently as he sobbed. It came out in great heaves and he couldn't remember the last time he had cried so fiercely. It was disgusting and his pillow was soaked through but he couldn't stop. He had lost what he had with Arthur because he got drunk and couldn't keep his mouth shut. If only he could go back a day, fix this mess he had created.

A little while after he finished sobbing he heard movements from outside and Gaius came into his room. The old man just looked at Merlin for a moment, without the condescending stare, without any anger. Just sad contemplation and it made Merlin feel uncomfortable. Gaius held up a bag and Merlin knew it was time for him to leave.

Trying to get up was a difficult task, the pain inside made every movement take a lifetime's effort. He sighed and the motion nearly started his tears again. But this wasn't the time anymore, he had to get out before he ended up dead. If it wasn't for Arthur's grand destiny he would consider that a possible outcome for this nightmare he had created. But he needed to keep the prat alive. He was just too good at putting himself in life threatening situations.

As he stood up and reached for the bag Gaius grabbed him on the shoulder and that's when he noticed the tears in Gaius's eyes. He embraced the physician. The comfort eased him briefly. The old man smelt of plants and chemicals all the time.

'Go, quickly,' Gaius said letting him go. Feeling liking he was leaving his home all over again he turned and ran out of the laboratory before he changed his mind or the Knights arrived. Burning at the stake was not going to be on his 'to do' list.

He scarpered. Sticking to the servants most common routes he was able to leave the castle without passing a single Knight. In the past he would have been worried about bumping into Gwen, but Gwen was never in the castle anymore. Not unless she was visiting Arthur, and in that case would never meet Merlin on the route out of the castle he chose. As much as he was jealous of her, she was still his friend and he wished he could genuinely say goodbye to her. But, she was convinced to an almost worshippers belief of Arthur's good side and to a certain extent she was right. But she didn't count in years of Uther's brainwashing. Arthur would never hurt someone he thought innocent, but now Merlin wasn't innocent in Arthur's eyes anymore. No, Merlin had saw himself in the reflection of those golden orbs and they reflected an evil sorcerer.

It was harder to stay unnoticed in the town, everyone was up and bustling about. Merlin himself was unpopular and generally not noticed, but Prince Arthur's manservant was popular and everyone wanted his attention because everyone wanted something from the prince. If Merlin kept his expression focussed on the dusty floor then maybe they wouldn't recognise him.

He got out. He didn't think it would be so simple. Part of him wanted to have been caught because then he could talk to Arthur try to make him understand, but even then he knew it was no good. Maybe dying was a good option at least then he could give up this ever losing battle. But the afterlife didn't have Arthur.

As he stepped in the cave he took the stairs to the ledge for no other reason than habit. The bottom would've have had more space, but he just couldn't be bothered to trek even further, he was safe for now. He used magic to light the torches on the walls illuminating the dank cave. He lay out the bedding he had packed and lay down. His head was pounding with the pressure from crying and his mouth felt like a cotton field.

It was cold in the cave, not like winter but an eerie sort of cold. Merlin knew even if he tried to make a fire that it wouldn't stop this place being cold. No, that was Uther's fault, he had made this place this way by locking up a magnificent creature inside.

'Merlin!' a voice echoed around the cave. Merlin stood up immediately. Who the hell knew he was in here? As he looked frantically around for a place to hide he realised this entire day would have been so much easier if he knew an invisibility spell. That was going to be the next thing he was going to learn.

There was a rock that stock out slightly about 7 ft below the ledge. That would do for now. He lowered himself over the edge as he heard the steps growing closer. His balance was precarious but hopefully whoever it was would see he wasn't there and would leave just as quickly.

'Merlin?' it was Arthur's voice. Merlin held his breath, it was a good job he hid himself. The rocks felt wet and icy beneath his face as he leant against it to help his balance. He heard Arthur move onto the ledge. Merlin knew he had left his stuff out but he was hoping that Arthur might just leave and come back later. 'Damn you Merlin !' Merlin heard a loud blunt noise and a following swear word. Arthur had probably kicked something. Merlin had a feeling if he was up on the ledge with Arthur he would be the thing getting kicked. 'Why? How could you do this?'

'Like I had a choice,' Merlin mumbled and then quickly put a hand across his mouth hoping Arthur hadn't heard. He heard a shuffling noise draw closer.

'You were never very good at being sneaky,' Arthur commented. As Merlin looked up to see Arthur's blue eyes staring down at him, he lost his balance. Stumbling back off his very small rock he fell.

As he hit the floor he didn't feel any pain. He just lay there unable to move or even breathe. He thought he heard Arthur yelling after him but it sounded as loud as a feather. All at once the pain rushed through him. He drank in a huge gulp of breath but couldn't seem to breathe it out or even get it to his lungs. The agony burned through him. He attempted to sit up but the black dots dancing in front of his vision made him lie back down.

'Merlin!' Arthur sounded closer. He was kneeling beside him. He had to get away before Arthur called his Knights. Not wanting to try sitting up again he rolled onto his front and tried to crawl away. 'What are you doing? You could've broken something. Lie still.'

'I,' Merlin coughed out but kept moving. 'Knights.' He didn't want to die, but he couldn't form any words to tell Arthur anything.

'Stop moving, you'll do more damage,' Arthur said again looking like he was about to grab Merlin to hold him still.

'I'll die anyway,' he ground out as he actually couldn't move anymore. Arthur placed his hand tentatively on Merlin's shoulder and as Merlin didn't wince placed it down firmly.

'What are you on about?' Arthur said as though talking to a child.

'Execute me,' Merlin gasped.

'Oh.' Every penny seemed to drop in Arthur's mind all at once. Which was great considering Merlin really didn't think he could talk anymore. Despite Arthur's worries he knew nothing was broken, but everything hurt. 'I thought Gaius was joking when he said that's why you left. Thought you were being your buffoonish self and decided to run away from your problems.'

Merlin groaned and wanted to punch Arthur.

'Actually this is great, you can't runaway from me right now. How could you not tell me? That time when I thought my father, when I tried to, and you said magic was evil. That was just you trying to stop me. You should've told me. The dragon, that was you I'm guessing, and when I was poisoned and got better for no reason, it was all you. Yet, you think I'm going to kill you.'

'Uther.'

'Yes. You don't make things easy do you Merlin?'

'Didn't want to make you choose,' Merlin mumbled. 'Choose your father.'

'Damn my father. He is…'

'Don't get angry. Nimueh…'

'He blamed all of magic,'

'He doesn't understand that only some are evil. Not all. Just like everyone else.'

The pain was easing and Merlin sat himself up with great effort. He looked at Arthur and noticed the man's eyes were rimmed by a puffy redness. His normally perfect blond hair was an absolute mess. Merlin briefly wondered whether it was him, Uther or his mother that Arthur had been crying over.

'Can we…can we keep it secret?' Merlin suggested hoping that this was where the conversation was leading and not to Arthur trying to kill Uther again. Arthur nodded.

Arthur nodded and Merlin sagged with relief. 'But I want you to tell me everything ok?'

'I will,' Merlin reassured. Arthur seemed to accept that response. He slipped his arm around Merlin's shoulder and the other under his leg. Merlin struggled briefly as Arthur picked him up but he was too sore to protest that much.

'Look Merlin,' Arthur said. 'These are Stairs. Say it with me, Stairs. They are a great inventions, a much more effective way of changing level than throwing one's self off a rock.'

Merlin wanted to retort but he was just so grateful for things returning to normal that he couldn't. He just held onto Arthur's neck and breathed in his intoxicating scent. He would have to injure himself more often if it got him in the Prince's arms.

Initially Merlin thought Arthur would be taking him to see Gaius but once they were inside the castle it was evident Arthur was going straight to his chambers. As they entered the room Arthur placed Merlin on the bed. Arthur looked at him as if he was expecting Merlin to protest or ask if he could go see Gaius, but he didn't say anything. Compared to the cave floor and the forest floor Arthur's bed was the comfiest thing in the universe. It was amazing.

Arthur sat next to him on the bed his eyes heavy, Merlin wanted to reach out. He tried and Arthur caught his hand, but only to place it on the bed.

'That spell with Gwen, she's my?' Arthur started.

'True love,' Merlin whispered barely audible. Everything felt heavy again.

'But she…' Arthur seemed to be deep in thought. 'A false love, that would be one where the love wasn't genuine right?'

'Yeah?' Merlin added.

'Then of course I love Gwen,' Arthur exclaimed his trademark grin on his face. Merlin was about to ask Arthur to leave when Arthur leant over him. He could almost feel the weight of the prince on him. He bent his head low and hovered for a moment above Merlin's lips and he could feel Arthur's breath.

As Arthur's lips pressed against Merlin's his brain shut down. His hand reached up and threaded through Arthur's hair, feeling the soft silky strands. But, as Arthur let off the kiss, Merlin was wracked with confusion. Arthur had just said he was in love with Gwen. Merlin's stomach knotted, the kiss was probably out of pity.

'Don't pity me,' Merlin snarled and turned his head to look away from Arthur.

'You are such an idiot,' Arthur commented. 'I love Gwen. But not as much as I love you.'

Merlin just stared at Arthur. Had he actually just said what he thought he had said?

'But?' He didn't understand what was going on. His head started to hurt.

'I love more than one person. But I am only in love with you. Don't you love Gwen?'

'Yes, but true love?'

'Yes I truly love Gwen, but as a friend. Maybe I would like her more if it wasn't for you. Are you getting any of this yet?'

Merlin understood what Arthur was trying to tell him but he just couldn't quite comprehend what was happening. Arthur accepting his magic had been a huge step, this, this was amazing. Merlin grabbed Arthur's head and pulled him down into another kiss. Merlin ran his tongue along Arthur's bottom lip. His mouth opened slightly and Merlin didn't hesitate to take advantage. He moaned into Arthur's mouth and knew his desire was becoming obvious.

Pulling away Merlin looked up at Arthur, 'I am completely and irreversibly in love with you Arthur Pendragon.'

'And I am in love with you, you big buffoon.'

**x**


End file.
